My sins were loathsome; I felt that God would not forgive me for all that I was doing. I was actively involved in the Scripture Union fellowship in my secondary school while battling with my personal demons. The only thing that made me happy was reading books, cooking and writing poems. I posted my poems on international websites, and got a lot of comments; people knew they were sad. I could write four lines full of torment and pain. I prayed for God’s intervention, but since it seemed not to come, I just gave up and accepted my fate.
I would use my feeding allowance to buy porn magazines, and I would save the phone numbers written on them and connect with those people. I would stay up through the night making calls or sex chatting, sending nude pictures and doing all sorts of abominable things. I did not have time for my age mates, and older guys did not come my way – I felt that was unfortunate. I was so addicted to porn that I would borrow airtime or spend all my money just to buy data.
I also watched a TV show where a celebrity said that she masturbated daily, and it was just part of her. I checked online, and almost all blogs I clicked on encouraged masturbation. Once, I read a very erotic book and it laid hands (imparted) on me so deeply that I could see myself in the scene. I remember reading those pages over and over again. I really wished I could talk to someone – a real person – and not my book. I would stay up all night, sometimes, just crying, hating and cursing.
At a point, it was like I needed something more as masturbation, sex calls, or chats could not satisfy my urges; but I had no chance to get what I wanted, because I still had a part of me that loved God. I would cry a lot. I was tired and wanted to change; I was messed up and did not practice all that I preached to those children.
I started aspiring to be a porn actress once I travelled abroad. I remember wishing for a spirit husband like a spirit sex partner. I realized that as time passed, and I got more intense in what I was doing, it did not feel like I was alone.
To be continued…
Miraculous Monday: 24th December 2024
Miraculous Monday 122
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