A Deep Desire for True Conversion
Catherine could not accept the idea that she had simply been saved all of her life, and she determined to know in her heart that she had been truly converted. When she returned to school, her internal passion for righteousness at times turned to impatience and anger. While she never did anything rash at least outwardly inwardly, these powerful emotions convinced her that sin still controlled her heart. She knew that a converted person would not have such a seed of corruption within her but would be spiritually born again.
The Inner Battle With Sin and Faith
Though she might sin mistakenly on the outside, the root of sin within her would be gone. Catherine determined to pluck sin from her life so that she could know that she was dead to it and alive to God, following Paul’s exhortation in Romans 6:11 to “reckon ye also yourselves to be dead indeed unto sin, but alive unto God through Jesus Christ our Lord.” For her, only the gift of faith could bring her to true conversion. As she later recalled,
A Season of Intense Spiritual Struggle
“About this time I passed through a great controversy of soul. Although I was conscious of having given myself up fully to God from my earliest years; and, although I was anxious to serve Him and often realised deep enjoyment in prayer, nevertheless, I had not the positive assurance that my sins were forgiven, and that I had experienced the actual change of heart about which I had read and heard so much.
I was determined to leave the question no longer in doubt, but to get it definitely settled, cost what it might. For six weeks I prayed and struggled on, but obtained no satisfaction. True, my past life had been outwardly blameless both in public and in private, I had made use of the means of grace, and up to the very limit of my strength, and often beyond the bounds of discretion, my zeal had carried me. Still, so far as this was concerned, I realised the truth of the words:
‘Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow
These for sins could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.’
Fear of Self Deception and the Search for Assurance
I knew, moreover, that ‘the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.’ [Jeremiah 17:9]. I was terribly afraid of being self deceived. I remembered, too, the occasional outbursts of temper when I was at school. Neither could I call to mind any particular place or time when I had definitely stepped out upon the promises and had claimed the immediate forgiveness of my sins, receiving the witness of the Holy Spirit that I had become a child of God and an heir of heaven.”
The Agony of Waiting for Certainty
It seemed to me unreasonable to suppose that I could be saved and yet not know it. At any rate, I could not permit myself to remain longer in doubt regarding the matter if in the past I had acted up to the light I had received, it was evident that I was now getting new light; and, unless I obeyed it, I realised that my soul would fall into condemnation. Ah, how many hundreds have I since met who have spent years in doubt and perplexity because, after consecrating themselves fully to God, they dare not venture out upon the promises and believe.
Long Nights of Prayer and Desperation
I can never forget the agony I passed through I used to pace my room till two o’clock in the morning, and when, utterly exhausted, I lay down at length to sleep. I would place my Bible and hymn book under my pillow, praying that I might wake up with the assurance of salvation.
To Be Continued…
Tale Tuesday 081
Date: 16th April, 2024
Title: : William & Catherine Booth (Part 7)
Source: God’s generals- The Revivalists
Author: Roberts Liardon
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