The movie Unforgivable, starring John Ritter, portrays the life of Dr. Paul Hegstrom—his descent into domestic violence and his God-inspired journey to overcoming this destructive behavior.
When it comes to domestic abuse and rage reactions, Paul knows what he is talking about because he lived it. He describes himself as having been “as foul a wife-abuser as anyone can imagine.” From the first days of our marriage,” Paul said, “I was an abuser. We were very young when we married—I was 19 and she was 16. Even dating I had shoved my wife around and mistreated her emotionally. I could not understand my sudden fits of anger, and never knew what was wrong with me—I felt flawed, dirty, and damaged.
The Spiral of Violence and Shame
“Thinking that marriage stability would help me get hold of my emotions, I had insisted we marry even though she was still in high school. On the second day of marriage, I went off on her physically. I hated myself for doing it, and apologized profusely, but I did it again and again over the sixteen years of our first marriage.
“I prayed to God to help me, but God seemed indifferent, never answering my urgent prayers, listening to others, but not to me. My father was a minister, and I could see that God did answer prayers of others, but to me, He was totally silent.”
Roots of Pain and Trauma
“Satan had gotten to me through sexual abuse outside the family. I had been raped by a neighborhood boy when I was 8½ years old. I had tried indirectly to tell my mother of this terrible experience, but she did not understand my veiled communication. She thought I was trying to talk about sex and washed my mouth out with soap.
“I was left to deal with it alone. I had a terrible sense of shame and felt dirty and damaged. I lost my sense of safety, my trust in my parents, and every shred of self-worth I had. The shame carried on from this childhood experience led me to handle another situation inappropriately.
“I was 13 and was in a photographic darkroom at a new school when a teacher’s assistant began to molest me. I froze and did not cry out. I was emotionally paralyzed and could not move. This continued for the entire school year. Frightened and ashamed, I said nothing about it to anyone.”
A Dual Life of Rage and Pretense
“The effect of this abuse on my self-image was devastating. Inwardly, I felt dirty and different from the other kids. I was seething with rage. However, I covered it up with an outward personality that was likable and polite. I was nice when I had to be, but I could not keep the rage from spilling out. I got into fights at school and frequently used foul language. I became known for my hostile and aggressive attitude.
“I had a dual personality from my teen years on. My dad was a Pastor, and at home I was the ‘model child.’ I acted so polite to my parents that when people reported my bad behavior to them, they could not believe it. That’s how good my deception was.”
Marriage and Emotional Turmoil
“I was desperate to escape from my unmanageable emotions. I pressured my girlfriend, Judy, to marry me at a young age, hoping that marriage and stability would help me take hold. But by the second day of our marriage, I could not control my anger, and threw her against a wall. Any time Judy did not meet my expectations, I was merciless in criticizing her, and often allowed it to escalate to physical violence.
“I not only hit her physically, I abused her emotionally, spiritually, mentally—in just about every way there is. I trained her to be a victim, telling her that she was lucky to have any man because she was so ugly and stupid—all the things that she was not. As a young woman, she was brilliant—smarter than me—so I had to put her under. I have found that this is a very typical pattern in domestic violence. Also part of the pattern is the deep remorse the day after. I can’t count how many times I apologized and promised never to do it again.
“By the time our two children came along, I was totally overwhelmed with the responsibilities of parenting and family life. I was emotionally just a child myself.
“I have since learned that the more you hate yourself, the higher your expectations are for your partner, and the more enraged you become when they don’t measure up.
“I hated who I was in this relationship. I totally blamed my wife and my circumstances for my anger. I left her several times and eventually divorced her…”
TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Monday: 27th November 2023
Miraculous Monday 066
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