Born into a family of seven, parents included, I often wondered why my parents had up to five children when they knew they didn’t have the means to take care of them. My dad was a renowned troublemaker in the village. Apart from fighting, my father drank alcohol a lot; he was a drunk. The nights were very scary times for all of us because of his outbursts. We usually hid our youngest sibling behind a big chair, so that my dad would not see him when he came back home drunk to beat us up. We did not want him to go through the horrors we endured. Irritated, I would ask my mother, “Can’t you fight? Why don’t you fight back?”
To escape all the troubles that plagued me, I started reading a lot of romance novels. The novels fuelled my imagination. My reading progressed over time.
Addictions
I became addicted to literary pornography; I would either buy them or someone would give them to me. It gave me a false sense of security since I didn’t know how else to fight. This probably started in my junior years in secondary school. Once I had a book in my hand, I could escape from every trouble by being lost in the character. Reading novels just gave me joy; I couldn’t wait to get started on the next one.
Novels gave me pleasure, especially those centred on werewolves. At the time, they emanated power, magic, influence, dominance, affluence, and lust (and not love, as I’ve gotten to learn in church). Soon enough, I started liking witches, and other things I thought were ‘good’ because of how they were presented -half animal, half human witches. These novels filled my mind with filth; as such, I escaped the physical troubles I was facing to more bondage.
My imagination ran wild even while I walked on the road. It was funny because whenever I was asked if I would get married, I would say I wanted to be a Reverend Sister because of fear. In addition, I had endless sleepless nights, and suicidal thoughts plagued me. There were times I would hold a knife to my stomach in an attempt to stab myself. I thought: if I cannot find peace while living, at least I would find it in death.
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The Journey to Freedom and Healing
Even though this still happens sometimes, it has reduced. I am a much more attentive person now. At the time of giving this testimony (July 2021), it has been a year and a few months since I have gone without literary pornography. Thank God I’m experiencing pure freedom with Him. What a privilege!
Years after my alcohol loving father’s death, I still felt hatred towards him. After I joined God’s Lighthouse in February 2020, I was taught forgiveness and asked to forgive him, and I did. But the memories I had of him were still painful. I was taught to pray by asking God to forgive him, just as Jesus taught. Thank God for eyes to see, ears to hear, and his light that has been shining in me. After some time, I started remembering good things about him. I understood the concept of our warfare not being against flesh. He may have wanted to be a better father, but since he wasn’t submitted to God, demons influenced him.
Although the painful parts cannot be denied, the good memories are also coming to the surface. When I remember him now, I do so with pity and no hatred. He could not help himself; he was in bondage. When he died, I laboured under much guilt and shame. The devil brought accusations telling me, “You wished your dad were dead, and it has happened. You killed him! Remember the saying, ‘Be careful what you wish for?’ You killed him!” But all that is gone now! I thank God who freed me from guilt and condemnation.
“Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh; is there anything too hard for Me?” Jeremiah 32:27
Miraculous Monday: 18th July 2022
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