Source: From One Who Could Not Lay Down His Life Daily
Heavenly Father,
UNPREPARED AND REMORSEFUL: A JUDGEMENT DAY APOLOGY
Today, I stand before Your throne. I have no excuses left. The veil is removed. I see clearly now. I see You-holy, true, and full of light. I also see my life, and I cannot lie. I could not, or perhaps I refused, to lay down my life daily as You asked. You gave me Your Son as an example. You told me plainly- “If anyone will come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow Me.” But Lord, I was too caught up in this life. Too distracted. Too fearful. Too selfish. I wanted to serve You, but I also wanted to serve myself. I chased survival, not surrender. In this country, things are hard. I thought if I didn’t look out for myself, who would? I believed the lie that I could mix Your will with my will. I prayed for open doors, for breakthrough, for promotion-but not for brokenness, for humility, for death to self.
There were days I woke up and rushed into business without acknowledging You. I wanted success more than obedience. I chose popularity over purity, activity over intimacy, anointing over alignment. I did church work, but I rarely offered my heart. I was seen as committed, but deep inside, I kept areas of my life locked away from You. You gave me gifts. I used them-for ministry, yes-but sometimes more for applause than for Your glory. I preached sacrifice, but I clung to comfort. I quoted Scriptures, but I didn’t die to self. I called You Lord, but I did not let You rule every part of me.
Sometimes, I said, “God understands.” I told myself, “It’s not easy,” or “Later, I will change.” But You were calling me then. And I hardened my heart. I wanted to be known by men. I wanted my plans to work. I wanted to protect my reputation. I didn’t want shame, I didn’t want loss, I didn’t want pain. So I kept my life. And now, I see -I lost what mattered most. I see others here, clothed in white, holding the crowns of the faithful. I see those who truly laid everything at Your feet. I see what I could have been. But I chose a safer road, a smaller love. Lord, I do not argue. I do not plead innocence. I did not carry my cross daily. I lived for myself more than I lived for You. I cared more about being blessed than being poured out. And now, with tears in my eyes, I confess-You were always worthy of my all. I gave You pieces.
I beg for Your mercy, Lord. Not because of my righteousness -because I have none-but because of the blood of Jesus. Let His sacrifice cover my failures. Let His death speak for me. Let His obedience cover where I disobeyed. I ask not for reward. Only for mercy. I ask not for thrones. Only that I may enter in, even if by fire. You are God. And You died for me. I am man. And I could not die for You. But I fall at Your feet today, empty, silent, and sorry. Have mercy on me, O Lord.
Your servant who could not die daily.
Sizzling Sunday: 1st June 2025
Sizzling Sunday 144
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