An Abusive Nanny
Growing up was hell for me. When I was a child, my mother went on a sabbatical leave for more than two years, so my brother and I were sent to live with our grandparents; and, my mother’s cousin was our nanny.
She was wicked and brutal, she would flog me for no reason, then threaten to hurt me if I mentioned it to anybody. I have a scar where she stabbed me with a knife – she did a lot of unthinkable things to me; she would have me steal huge sums of money for her and get a gift in return – I once got a crest with my name. This continued for years. She was also sexually active, and would use me to practice.
I brooded on my anger and hatred, and I became brutal, especially when people tried to prove a point – I remember she would command our driver’s son to beat me. It was like I was in a fight for survival. He often won; but, one fateful day, I beat him up mercilessly and hit his mouth with a stone which resulted in him losing a few teeth. I hated fighting because of that experience.
Afterwards, my mum came back permanently, and I hated her from the bottom of my heart.
A Tough Shell
I always looked like I had it all – strong and brave; but, inside, I was dying and I needed help; I was also suicidal. Whenever I got angry, I would run away from the house and trek long distances until I felt better. Being angry made me eat a lot too. My parents never had time for me; in fact, I was like the mother of the house – I would shop in the market, cook, and do every other house chore; all my parents did was to provide the money.
Living with My Demons
Pornography and masturbation were personal demons; and, since I hid my emotions so well, nobody knew what I was going through. I suffered for nine years; I could not tell anyone, so I poured out my feelings by writing (very emotional) poems. I hated girls, so I found comfort around guys and I acted like them. At the same time, I was a children’s church teacher and seemed really good at it. Parents loved and referred to me as a practical example to their children, but, unknown to them, I was dead inside.
To be continued…
Miraculous Monday: 16th December 2024
Miraculous Monday 121
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